I'm Alive!

I am in a great mood. I am not sure why because as I ponder the weekend without money and less food in the house than a supermodel can even eat, I should be miserable. But, for some reason Casual Friday always lightens my spirits. I was told once that dressing up can make you feel more successful and able to take pride in yourself and your work. However, converse and jeans are what works for me. Being able to wear a concert t-shirt to work is HEAVEN! So, because I am in a great mood, I couldn’t think of one Daily Dose to give you…I thought of 3. I can’t decide, so I am going to make this “readers choice”. You pick your top 3 of one of the following subjects and let me have it.

Most Misunderstood Song Lyric
My Top Prize goes to “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” by AC/DC. As a child, I remember rocking out to this song and thinking that the title was “Dirty Deeds Dungeon Chief”. Yes, I do realize that it doesn’t make any sense, but I was 10, ok? Deal with it.

Favorite Line From A Movie
There are so many eighties Molly Ringwald movies that I could throw at you, but that has been done. I am, of course a grown up now, with real life movies that I prefer. However, just so you know if “16 Candles” is on, I watch it…every time! From the film “Little Children” starring Kate Winslet and the hot, hot, hot Patrick Wilson, Kate’s character is talking about the book “Madame Bovary”:

“No, no, it's not the cheating. It's the hunger.
The hunger for an alternative, and the refusal to accept a life of unhappiness.”

Favorite Breakfast Food
I love breakfast and as long as there is something in the house that I can eat or GOD WILLING, we go out to breakfast, I am a happy fat-girl! Let me tell you that I haven’t gone out to breakfast in over a year. There are categories that breakfast is broken down into: Fast Food, Homemade and Going Out. Here are some of my choices:

Fast Food- The blueberry French toast sticks at Jack in the Box are my thing. I don’t even use syrup. It’s delicious. I also like any breakfast sandwich from Jack.

Homemade- I make some killer Blueberry Pancakes. The kids love them and I can eat 4 or 5 of them myself.

Going Out- Any combo of eggs, potatoes, meat, salsa, cheese…onions! You get me? Scrambler or whatever you want to call it…just remember to call me for breakfast!

Mirth & Merriment. God! Now, I’m hungry!

Come On, Eileen!

I was never a cheerleader in High School. Never! With that being said I can now say to the world that I am the proud parent of a Junior Varsity High School Cheerleader for the next school year. I am honestly thrilled for her.

I remember starting HS and being scared to death and I was surrounded by a small circle of dorky friends who would venture into the unknown with me. I also remember the cheerleaders of the time. All blond and beautiful and tan and infinitely snobbish. They were not friends with the likes of me because I did not shop at Judy’s or Windsor for my clothes. On the outside, I was not what would have fit in with their crowd. I was a huge nerd. I had braces. Not just braces like they have today, but with an entire ring of metal that fit around each tooth, with a lovely track on each one, with connecting wire. My hair was a mess; naturally wavy and I couldn’t find a damned thing to do with it. I also always wore it short because I was a tomboy and only girly-girls had time to do their hair…enter my sister! I took up swimming, which I was surprisingly good at. I even made Varsity my Freshman year. That made my year! However, being a flat-chested teenage girl is one thing, but to be all that in a bathing suit is quite a different story.

Throughout HS, I did progress- but really not too much. I swam for 3 great years and won medals and titles. I acted in lots of productions and even directed a few. I got a chance to be in the show choir, which I had dreamt of since I was a little girl. I fell in love. I lost my virginity. I had my heart broken. I went to the Prom. I cheated on a boyfriend. I got into fights. I got my ass kicked. I made the most amazing friends. I was nominated for Prom Queen. I went to see U2 for my 16th birthday. I lived. I really, really did.

But, the cheerleaders. They were a different story. They were perfect on the outside, but at the Prom I recall seeing a side of them that was no magazine cover. They were underage drunks with huge problems and issues. They wore so much makeup that they actually changed the structure of their faces. They weren’t pretty…on the inside or out. They were rude. They were bitchy. They were whores. They were not what I wanted to be.

Again, times have changed. I believe that parents and how a child is raised determines who they become. I believe that just because Oni is a cheerleader now does not mean that she is going to start running around with the wrong crowd and doing hellacious things like sneaking out and drinking at parties her freshman year. I don’t think so. Her mother would not let that happen. Her dad will not let that happen. I WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN! She is too important to a lot of people to let her chose the wrong path in life. So, we will guide her, even when she is sick and tired of us. I will continue to tell her that I love her and that here life is precious. I will tell her over and over that her heart is so special and shouldn’t be given away to just anyone. There is not “just anyone” out there who deserves her! That she can talk to me about anything and that I pray she continues to do so.

So, congrats to you on fulfilling the first of many High School dreams. May you experience all the joy and happiness that you can. May you learn and grow. I pray that you take mistakes made and turn them into lessons learned and live each day as a new one. I love you.

Mirth & Merriment.

Video Killed The Radio Star

Can you have the Luck of the Irish if you aren’t exactly Irish? Who knows. WHO CARES! I am feeling lucky…cue the Mary Chapin Carpenter song. A few weeks back, I got some mail about some money that was owed to me from a class action lawsuit I was involved in, but had no idea about. I love that! Anyway, I got a letter saying that I was awarded a little money and it will be on it’s way to me. When I say a little, I mean “a little”…enough for groceries and laundry.

Then, the very same week, I got a call from one of the radio stations I listen to saying that they had picked my TOP 5 @ 5 for that Friday. Side note: It is 5 songs that you request that they play at 5:00. I was thrilled! Wait…there’s more. I also won tickets to see Heart in concert on Friday night. SHUT UP! OMG! I was so excited, I tried to call everyone I knew…even long distance. So, at 5 pm on Friday, my songs were played: Joy Division, Barry Manilow, Erasure, Tears for Fears and B-Movie and my friend Claudia were off to see the Wilson sisters. We had dinner and several cocktails and sat in the theatre. Can I just say for the record that it must be unbelievable to wake up in the morning and be Ann Wilson. They were awesome, to say the absolute, very least.

So, this week has not been a good week for me. I have had sick kids, a boy with burned fingers because he wanted to see if the iron was REALLY hot, emotional drama and I am now not feeling well. But that all changed yesterday when I got a call from yet, another radio station letting me know that I won BON JOVI tickets. So, guess where I will be Friday, April 4th? No guesses? Really? At the BON JOVI concert swooning over Richie Sambora and the boys with my bic lighter in the air. WEEE

So, I love good luck. I don’t believe in it really, but I did play the lotto yesterday. No winners yet, but I can wait a little while longer. Just wait til that Stimulus check comes in…that should be good for the economy and ME! I am looking forward to using it to pay off some bills and take the fam to D-Land…which I was planning to do for the girls birthday, but never got around to it and frankly, didn’t have the money to.

OK. It is Thursday, so I have to dish out my Daily Dose. So, here goes. As if you weren’t bored enough! My friend Jackie who is on the verge on insanity with her impending nuptials just a few weeks away has chosen the subject, so blame her.
TOP 3 FAVORITE MUSIC VIDEOS

Wild Boyz by Duran Duran.
Ok. Simon Le Bon on that torture wheel thing where he keeps going under the water. GOOD GOD! I could blow him dry myself. Sorry, mom…that was t.m.i. I have loved Dsquared since they first arrived on the scene, but this is one of my all time favorites.

Mad World by Tears for Fears
This song came back to me after watching “Donnie Darko”. If you haven’t seen the movie, I do recommend it highly. I watched the video just recently with Claudia and I love the 80’s hair and eyeliner and that DANCING. The New Romantic sway and flailing arms. Sweet!

Vogue by Madonna
Right, like a good girl gone bad child of the aforementioned 80’s, I was a Madonnawannabe. I admit it and I have sought help for it. Recovery is a long, hard process. I love this video. She looks flawless. I love the old Hollywood glamour makeup, the full red-matte lips and her dance moves. This song always gets turned up louder in my mobile.

Honorable Mention – Girls, Girls, Girls by Motley Crue, Church of the Poisoned Mind by Culture Club, Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler, Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen and Hot For Teacher by Van Halen.

Ahhh…The Good Old Days. And none of them dropped the F-bomb!!!!


Mirth & Merriment, my people!

Don't Fear The Reaper

My blog titles, as far back as the eye can see have always been song titles. Songs that were either on my mind or the radio while I was writing. Songs that could best describe my mood or some ridiculous point that I was trying to get across to the 3 people who read my blog religiously. Music is a huge part of who I am. I can name artist or title of songs when they come on without hesitation. I even have several people who call me and ask me “who sings that song that goes, la la she was walking and la” and I know right off what it is. It’s a gift, I know. I also associate horrible or happy moments in my life with melodies that I remember from those times. So good or bad, they are all set to music. Here are some of my choices:

“Moondance” by Van Morrison.

If I had gone big-wedding, bridezilla crap, this would have been my first dance. I love the lyrics, I love his voice, I love this song. I love how it makes you sway in your chair, while you are doing some meaningless task and would rather be naked in the dark with just a small hint of moonlight hitting just the right parts of your body (you know, the one’s that look so much better in the dark!) dancing in the arms of the one you love.

Well, I wanna make love to you tonight

I cant wait til the morning has come

And I know that the time is just right

And straight into my arms you will run

And when you come my heart will be waiting

To make sure that you’re never alone

There and then all my dreams will come true, dear

There and then I will make you my own

And every time I touch you, you just tremble inside

And I know how much you want me that you cant hide


“I’ll Wait” by Van Halen.

1984 is one of my favorite all time albums. Yes, I said it…ALBUMS! There is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting to loving vinyl. I love Sammy, but you gotta somewhere deep down in your heart love the sound of Mr. David Lee Roth singing about a hot girl…or anything for that matter. This is one of those songs I somehow wish someone would sing about me.

To have someone lust after me that much would be sen-freakin-sational!!!!

I'll wait 'Til your love comes down

I'm coming straight for your heart

No way You can stop me now

As fine as you are

“Godspeed” (Sweet Dreams) by The Dixie Chicks.

I love the Chicks. I have loved them since Wide Open Spaces and love ‘em still. I dig chicks with guitars and violins and banjos and voices that can be heard from the third star to the right and straight on ‘til morning. This song is very special to me as I used to sing it to my son when he was a baby and I still am requested to do so on occasion…which I secretly love! It also reminds me of a wonderful friend of mine who gave birth to a stillborn son around the same time. Matthew used to say “Godspeed Baby Adam!” in his prayers every night and although he has forgotten about Adam, I haven’t.

The rocket racer's all tuckered out

Superman's in pajamas on the couch

Goodnight moon, will find the mouse

And I love you

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings

Godspeed

Sweet dreams

“Elsewhere” by Sarah McLachlan.

I could have chosen the entire “Fumbling Towards Ecstasy” album, but this song is extremely special to me. I was first introduced to SM by a married man that I fell madly in love with. I couldn’t help myself. There is something about having an “affair” and also having the perfect soundtrack to it that made it seem like it wasn’t wrong…but totally right for me.

Not much else can be said about that relationship except that I wish him only happiness.

I know this love is passing time

Passing through like liquid

I am drunk in my desire...

But I love the way you smile at me

I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near...

I believe

This is heaven to no one else but me

And I’ll defend it as long as

I can be left here to linger in silence

If I choose to

Would you try to understand

“Let It Be” by The Beatles.

This is actually my earliest childhood memory. I remember that I was sitting in the back of a big-ass station wagon. You remember the one from The Brady Bunch? It was like that. It had a back window that was automatic and we could sit there and make it go up and down. I remember being in the back of that bomb and hearing this song. I hummed along because, you gotta admit that it has quite a good melody. Every time it comes on, I turn it up, roll down my windows and sing…badly! Well, come on. I’m no Paul McCartney. It probably helped that I am also a huge Sesame Street fan and “Letter B” was one of my fav’s, too!

When I find myself in times of trouble,

mother Mary comes to me,

speaking words of wisdom,

let it be.

And in my hour of darkness

she is standing right in front of me,

speaking words of wisdom,

let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

“That I Would Be Good” by Alanis Morrisette.

Around the same time I was having a lovely affair, there was this Canadian who burst on the scene and sang (excuse the language, here) fuck-you songs. I love Alanis. I think she is one of those women who can tell you off, yes, even using the C-word and you would thank her for it. I loved Jagged Little Pill and saw her on that concert tour, but her later music touched me a little deeper. This is one song that will be played at my funeral, whether anyone likes it or not. Therefore, since we are talking about my eternal rest, I am giving you the entire song.

That I would be good even if I did nothing

That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down

That I would be good if I got and stayed sick

That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt

That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth

That I would be great if I was no longer Queen

That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself

That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed

That I would be loved even when I was fuming

That I would be good even if I was clingy
That I would be good even if I lost sanity

That I would be good

Whether with or without you..

And so is the soundtrack of my life. Mirth & Merriment.

Maggie May

I was told twice yesterday and then once today that I have new blog readers. Welcome to it! It is never what you want to hear but always what you never expect! Got it?

It has been a year since I started this silly thing and I gotta tell ya...I'm not sure I have been happier than when sitting with Doritos and soda and writing down something useless for strangers to read. It seems like just yesterday I was disgruntled at someone who had decided to delete me from her email address book simply because I said that I don't think abortion is murder. Ahh..the good days. However, I did realize, when I finally thought about these new readers that I have that I am not sure that I would ever really tell you all the whole truth about what it is like to be me. Yes, I am an open up and say ahh kind of gal, but I would never be able to tell you, my audience, all the things that I have done, been through, had done to me, etc.. and for that matter, not so sure that you would all want to hear it.

So, it is Thursday and instead of my Daily Dose, I am going to do my version of the Moment of Truth that was on last night. Here are 3 questions that I will answer honestly, even if it hurts like hell.

1. Do you think that your biological father cares more for your sister than he does you? Hell yes! I make no bones about the fact that my father and I are on opposite ends of the love-spectrum, even though we live fairly close...well, a few States apart. I always have felt that, since I was supposed to have been born a male, that he preferred my sister over me, not just because she was a girl, but because she always seemed perfect. Seemed is the proper word there. After all these years, and the time that has passed, I do not hate him for it either. He is who he is and he cannot change who I am.

2. Do you think that you will be married to your husband in 10 years? With the current state of affairs in Kansas, I would have to say NO. I don't think so. I think if we last another 2 years, it will be a miracle and I will dance naked in the streets! You can hold me to that one if you like. I do not think that forever exists. I think that "forever" (and yes, I am doing the quote marks in the air) isn't reality. Reality is that spouses cheat, spouses lie, we fall in and out of love with each other and feelings change. Yea, it hurts like hell, but it would hurt more if you lied and kept up the facade that you were June freaking Cleaver. Would I like to be married to him 10 years from now? If his attitude and addictions change...yes, I would.

3. Is there a secret that you have that could ruin the lives of people you love? Yup. Sure is. Hey, Julie are you listening? This outta cheer you up! I have a secret about a sibling that their spouse does not know...at least I have been told in the past that they don't know. I would hope that they fessed up long ago, but I am seriously doubting their ability to do so. I once had a conversation with the spouse who is in the dark currently and since then, have bitten my tongue even when I get so pissed off that I want to scream out loud at my sibling. But, I still choose my words carefully when they are here, which THANK GOD is not often, because I am really not one to keep quiet. Imagine? I know, shocker!

So there it is. Sort of my Anniversary post. I'm done. More tomorrow...if I make it through the day.

Mirth & Merriment....

Take It To The Limit

For My Beautiful Sister....

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens;

but often we look so long at the closed door

that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

- Helen Keller

Sometimes Love Just Aint Enough...

I am tired of being emotional. I used to laugh about it, but now it just isn’t funny.
For the second morning in a row, I have come in and before my first very large cup of coffee have gotten heartbreaking news. Now, before I go on, I realize that this is going to sound very selfish of me to sound so down in the dumps while others around me are truly suffering, but that is the kind of person I am. I feel your pain really does describe me.

My beloved older brother and his wife have decided to end their 20 year marriage. Not that I was completely shocked, as they have been having problems for awhile now, but still it feels like things that I once thought were a “sure thing” are not. In fact, not even sure that “sure things” exist at this point. Part of me wants to run to my brother and hug him and tell him that I can understand that things change. That your heart that once beat only for one woman, beats with a passion that doesn’t include her. I do not think that there was any Camilla in this marriage, except stress, finances, careers and drive. The other part of me wants to get my sister in law on the phone and cry. Just cry. She and I have become such wonderful friends that the thought of losing her scares the shit out of me. She and I have laughed and cried. We watched them pronounce Princess Diana dead together. We watched Agassi win Wimbledon together. I held her hand in a bathroom in Kaiser on Sunset as she was in labor with her first child. I have been there. We laughed over breast pumps and cried over miscarriage. I do not doubt, not for a second, that she will find herself right side up after all is said and done. She is amazing. She is also the mother to 3 of the most fantastic boys I know. Thank God that my son isn’t reading this, huh? Speaking of that, a lot of what I have learned about being a Mom, I got from Julie. If you ever want to spend time reading some exceptional prose, check out her blog at Rotten Correspondent.

Well, that was yesterday and all day I felt sort of out of sorts. I was emotional and looking for some joy. When I got here this morning, I find in my Inbox an email from a great friend of mine. She got married late last year and found out that she was pregnant. I was so happy. What a great Mom she would make!!!! Well the news this morning was devastating and spoke of the loss that she and her husband have now experienced. It is over. The joy that they wanted so desperately to share for 9 months, ended far too soon. I know that we are supposed to say something comforting and that it is God’s plan for them, but what? Fuck that. Why can’t 2 people who love each other passionately and completely bring a child into the world? Why, when there are women putting babies into trash dumpsters, would God take a child away from parents that would worship the bibs that it spit up on? I do not understand. I have never understood the plan. I know that even though there was no child held in your arms, something does happen to you when you find out you are having a baby that cannot be erased just because Doctor’s have told you that it is over. Just because a child no longer grows inside you, there is still that sense of what was once there.

So, I won’t even start with my own life. It all seems quite irrelevant at the moment.

M&M

American Girl

I want to thank all of you who posted comments or sent them to me privately on the very personal post that is right below this one. My mouth did curve up a few times and I did have to excuse myself to go to the bathroom rather than cry in front of my boss. Thank you is not enough, but it will have to do. I will post next week about the situation at hand, but for now it is Friday and I would much rather focus on something positive. Let me see if I can find something. I haven't done a Daily Dose in awhile so, here goes.

Let's make this one fun. You have just won the lottery! Your payout is a large check in the sum of $23 Million! Congrats, by the way. Give me the Top 10 things you would do first. Put them in order, I need to see what's going on in that quirky mind of yours. Ok. Here I go.

I'm a WINNER!

1. I would immediately buy a house for my family, cash! No mortgage...nothing. I would also furnish it with everything that I have ever wanted from IKEA, Pottery Barn and yes...Target. It would be the best home ever. My kitchen would be in bright colors, my living room would be red, my bedroom would be black and white and I would have huge closets!!!! Every kid gets their own room and a tv to watch whatever they want and I won't have to!

2. I would buy my parents house and the house of each of my siblings. Yes, kind of so they all would be indebted to me, but just because I don't want any of them to have to pay for the walls that house the people that I love.

3. I would put $15,000 into 4 college funds for each of my children. Granted, I am not so sure each of them will get to College, but that money will come in handy for something. Likewise, I would put $10,000 in a college fund for each of my 9 nieces and nephews and for my Goddaughter. Although a few of them are already past the college age, they will just receive the cash. Like they will complain.

4. I would take my children to Hawaii. We would surf. We would eat BBQ. We would love it.

5. Our entire family will go on a Disney Cruise. That includes my parents, all my family, my brothers and sisters and their families, too. It would do us all good to be trapped together and be forced to bond with each other. Along this line, I would buy Disneyland passes for my family so we can go visit the Mouse anytime we want.

6. I would give my parents $50,000 and each of my siblings $5,000 to do whatever they want to. They have all given me so much that I think they deserve it.

7. I would buy 2 brand new cars. AND THEY WOULD BOTH BE BIG ENOUGH TO FIT OUR FAMILY. I would prefer an Escalade, Suburban...but it has to have the tv screens in it.

8. I would get everyone to the dentist and get our teeth fixed.

9. I would pay off every single debt I have. Also, I would over pay my utilities so that I wouldn't have a bill for the next 3 years!

10. I would go to the cemetery and place at least 1 rose on each grave there. I have thought about this since I was a young girl. I always found it very sad when there were graves that looked like nobody had been there in years. It would do my heart good.

So. With all of my money, I think I have made mine and few other dreams come true. How about you? What would you do?

Mirth & Merriment...and Money, Money, Money!!!!

All Of My Love?

When I started blogging I was apprehensive about it. Yes, even the girl who likes to share everything about anything was worried about putting it all out there. And not for the reasons you might think. I was honestly afraid of how people would view me. Not that I am embarrassed about the enormous size of my breasts or my lack of sex drive, but because I do not want pity or for people to lose respect for me just simply because of decisions that I have made. There are also blogs that I have posted that did not fully amplify the reality of my life, which I am going to try and do today. This might just be the hardest blog I have ever written, but after a sleepless night filled with anger, worry and regret it is something that I must do to clear my head for better days ahead. Taking a note from my dearly beloved Rotten Correspondent, I too may remove the blog once it is read by certain people in order to not receive frantic phone calls from my mother.

It is now 8:26 a.m. on Wednesday, March 5, 2008 and I do not love my husband. I am pretty sure that I loved him yesterday and that I might find it in my heart to love him tomorrow, but as for today, it just isn’t going to be easy. I will admit that I am not the easiest chick to live with and be committed to, but it has gotten to the point where I feel nervous about what is going on in his head and I don’t like feeling like this. Here is where my story begins.

My husband is an alcoholic. When I say that, I mean it. He drinks as much beer as possible in one sitting and he does this as often as work will allow. He admits that he is an alcoholic and laughs it off as if it is some sort of Boy Scout Badge that he is proud of. I have been an enabler of this addiction since we met. I have gone to get him beer when I knew he had had enough. I have noticed our last $20 missing from my wallet and a fridge full of Bud Light and said nothing. I do not do this because I like him better when he is drunk. Far from it! I do it because I do not like the idea of making him unhappy. That is my fault and I take the blame for it. It has had it’s ups and downs. In the beginning, he was sort of a happy, flirtatious drunk. We would fall into bed and just enjoy each other.

Then came the angry drunk. On that warm July 4th night when he chocked me in front of my young son, I knew things would have to change or I would die. I survived that night for a reason. Unknown to me, I was just 3 weeks pregnant with our twin girls. Yes, they both survived along with me after being thrown around the room. Any torture that he could do to me, I thought, would be fine as long as my son was safe. Little did I know that our beautiful twins were also in danger. I thank God everyday for those girls….for more than a few reasons.

After him sobering up, attending a few AA meetings and promising that it was just a one-night thing that happened, I moved back into our house after being with Matthew at my mom’s. The next week, I was having severe migraines and went to my doctor to find out that we were expecting. Some joy in the face of what was a horrible storm. My first thought that night was being a single mom. Could I do it alone? Not financially, that was for sure. I loved him so very much and I wanted things to be different. Different is not always better.

When I was pregnant with the girls and for the first two years after, our own lives went through some heavy changes. We moved into a new place. Anthony lost a job and was out of work for awhile until he found more work. I left my job for one with night hours so that I could be home with the babies during the day while he worked. He lost his job again. We moved again. I lost my job and then returned home to where I truly felt like I belonged and was welcomed back with open arms. He started to work a crappy night job and then got laid off. We were in financial trouble. We were going to be evicted from our home and we had no money and nowhere to go. We made the decision to split up and he took the girls to his grandmothers and I took Matthew to my mom’s. His grandmother cannot stand Matthew or any little boys for that matter and Matthew was registered at my former elementary school around the corner from my mom’s house. Being without the girls was horrible. Then, he got a job. A real job. Lots of hours and it kept him home with the girls during the day and working at night. No time for drinking. That was great! It kept him occupied.

Except on the weekends when he would drop off the girls to me and drink all weekend. I would get text messages at 3 am from him asking me who at work I was cheating on him with. I would get several, some which I would answer, but most of them I ignored. I have not ever cheated on my husband, let alone with a co-worker. He does not believe me. Yes, I have lied to him in the past, but never about cheating. There have been flirtatious emails and such, but I would never think of ruining a marriage that I was fighting so hard to keep solid. Ridiculous! After 4 months of being separated, I found an apartment and moved in…with him. It was actually nice to be with him. He was still working nights and I had some peace in my life.

My husband has issues about cheating. He has issues about deception. He has issues…period! He has accused me of some hideous things that I really don’t want to express..even in a blog! However, last night really stopped me in my tracks.

He did not work last night or the night before. He had been moved to days but was only getting 10 hours a week or so. Great! No more money! No food in the fridge! I owe everyone and have no money to pay anyone! My only saving grace there is the rent and bills are paid. The night before he had gone over to his friends house and I got several text’s that were a little incoherent, so I ignored him. Last night, he was home and could not be ignored. It started at 3:00 am when he came into the bedroom with Matthew asleep on the bed next to me and the girls who had fallen asleep on the floor next to my bed after story time. He crawled in next to me and demanded sex. Well, I must tell you that I was not in the mood and tired so I said no. Then it started. Who else are you sleeping with? Does this phone number sound familiar? I know the truth. Just tell me. After about an hour of this, he decided to tell me that, without telling too much here, someone had told him that SHE had proof that I had slept with someone else and that he had that proof. Ok. Whatever. What he kept saying was “just tell me the truth”. Well, I was telling the truth…it just wasn’t what he wanted to hear. I vehemently denied this and all rumors of infidelity. It is such a bizarre thought to me why spouses cheat? Why not stay single?

(Side note- I was the “other woman” in the past and I still don’t respect married men who sleep with other women, and vice versa ladies!)

At 4:30 a.m., I finally told him to get out of my room and leave me alone. He told me that he would. In fact, he told me that he would leave…period. That he had someone else and he would leave me for her...the whore stripper that he is friends with. At that point, I didn’t care. If he did have someone on the side, I was not concerned. My main concern is myself and my kids and although he has gotten violent in the past, I do truly believe that he would never harm his children. I cannot even think it. My alarm went off less than 45 minutes later and I snoozed it. I forgot about the shower, the hair, the face. I was pretty sure my day was crap so I didn't really care how I looked. He was passed out on the living room floor when I left.

The thought of going home to him tonight makes me want to cry. I did not get married to cry. I did not get married to be verbally and mentally mistreated. I did not get married to hate my husband. I got married for better or worse, right? They said that at the wedding. I knew what kind of man he was when I got married and I still took that leap of faith. Faith that he would somehow become a better person and that I would, too. That just doesn’t happen. In fact, he has gotten worse and I am almost certain that it will continue to spiral. I have thought of interventions. However, he has so many friends and his parents who are alcoholics that it would not do me any good. Nobody would help me. It would also cost him his job to go into a rehab center and cost us money that we don’t have. I have thought of leaving him. However, I would not be able to afford my apt on my own and there is absolutely nowhere else to turn. I am at the cul-de-sac of marriage and I either park or turn around and keep going. My heart tells me not to give up, but how can I continue? How? Why can't I have what they have on the E-Harmony commercials? Is that real? Do people really get that happy over love? I did...but that was a lifetime ago.

Please note that my husband is a wonderful sober person. He is cute and funny. Not so much romantic, but ….who needs flowers (me!) I wish that he would stay that person all the time and then my blog might be a bit more boring, but I would be happy. But would I? Would I be able to forget the hateful words? I know I have never forgotten the bruises and hurt of that Independence Day. I have never forgiven myself for allowing Matthew to see me being hurt and the drama that he has had to endure. I will have that for the rest of my life. What I don’t want is for my children to be subjected to anything else that will harm them. That is my dilemma. Just one of them. How do I fight this? How do I fight a monster that I love? How do I go on living with a man that I can’t live with? How?

Now that I am crying and trying to work, I will stop. I have much to do and much to think of throughout my day. My joy is that at the end of my work day, I will see three smiling faces who think I am beautiful and perfect and love me with all their little hearts. That is what I wake up for. They are who I will fight for. They are who I would go to the ends of the earth for. They are the one’s who I must sacrifice everything for. My babies.

Mirth and Merriment doesn’t seem fitting at the moment. Later!

Slow Ride

I seem to always say the wrong thing at the right time. Huh? That means that something off-color, racy, dirty or flirtatious always comes out of my mouth. See! There I go again! One example from just a few minutes ago goes something like this. My IT manager is here and has yet to repair the printer on my desk that HE BROKE three weeks ago. So, being witty-me I said “When you have a few minutes to blow…come down!” What I meant was when you have some extra time, come over to my office and see what you can do to help me print better. That is what it sounded like, right? Well, wouldn’t ya know that the whole place erupted in laughter and redness…especially Mr. IT (who bro…by the way is a USC Grad!)? Oh well. I gotta be me!

Yesterday was the girls’ first dental appointment. First of all, let me explain to you my previous dental experience. I hate the dentist. Ok. I take that back…hate is the wrong word. I would rather roll around in someone else’s feces while eating rotten eggs and hearing a book on tape read by George W Bush. Too vivid? As a child, I always had teeth-issues. When one dentist decided that all I had to be given in order to remove a “few” teeth was “laughing gas”, I knew something was wrong with this sadistic bastards. But when I cried out in pain, nobody believed me. Whatever. Anyway, after braces and retainers and root canals and pulled teeth and 4 impacted wisdom teeth, I know a thing or two. Even making a dental appt. for someone else makes me sweat like a virgin on prom night.

Matthew’s first visit to a dentist was horrific. They found that because his teeth were so close together that all of his cavities were between his teeth. Ok, what does that mean to a 4 year old? Well, it means they cap the front 4 teeth after filing the rotten ones down, pull out 1 and put in a spacer an fill the other cavities. This was my baby! I was told all of this while I was pregnant with the girls and because I was gestational I would not be allowed in with him because of the gas. Screw that! I made them wait until the girls were about 3 months old.

As we walk into the office, there are video games and such to keep his mind off of things. His dad was there with me for the whole blissful experience. YEAH, RIGHT! They take my first born and strap him down; One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest strapped down and the only part of his body that I could touch were his feet. They gave him shots of Novocain. The entire time, my son is trying to speak while screaming a sound that I would never like to hear again, thank you so much. “Doctor, can we do this tomorrow?” “I promise”, “Please stop hurting me” “AHHHHHH….I want my MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!”. I struggled to hold it together. I ripped off his Batman tennies and stroked his foot, trying to convince him and myself that it would be over soon. It was some of the worst moments of my life. Afterwards, nothing could get me to him faster. I held him while he sobbed and became angry that I had allowed someone to hurt him like this. I told the dentist, as I had on our initial visit that I don’t do Novocain well. In fact, I usually take a couple extra doses to fully get numb. The dentist kind of shrugged it off telling me that if he had been in real pain, they would have noticed. What part of crying and begging for help did they not see? I could tell he was hurting! What are they Nazi’s? Needleless to say and without any input of my dental past, my son hates to think about the dentist. When he found out that his baby sisters were going, he was trying to comfort them. I told him that they weren’t going in for a visit where they were going to need a shot or any work done and he did not believe me for a minute. But, he was happy that I had reassured him that he was NOT going with them.

So, cut to yesterday. I picked up my angels from school. They were thrilled to see me there so early and I was happy to know that after our office visit, we would have the rest of a great, sunny day to spend at the park. We got to the dentist and they were ancy, only because the only TV that was on was about porcelain veneers and there were NO toys. NO TOYS! Ok. So after just a 10 minute wait, most of which I spent telling them to sit still and taking them to the bathroom, the dental assistant came to get us. I got chills as I saw the chair that they wanted my Bean to sit in. She gladly climbed her big booty into the seat and I thought to myself “Please don’t let one of them fall apart while the other is still waiting for her turn!” That would be wretched. But, there she sat….wide mouthed. Talking to the dentist….laughing…meowing (her specialty)…rinsing and spitting. Perfect Angel with….hold on, wait for it….perfect teeth. No cavities! Can I get an Amen? I was so proud. When the assistant cleaned her teeth, she even helped by holding the “spit sucker”. I could not have been happier.

Then I looked down and realized that I still had 1 chance at a sucky day…it was now Aliza’s turn. Same thing. Perfectly pleasant and perfect teeth, with the exception of our infamous thumb sucker pushing her top two teeth out of line. Oh well. Even if she is Bugs Bunny, she is still all mine! They got new Dora and Spongebob toothbrushes and stickers.

So, what turned out to be a day that I would dread turned out to be a great day. We picked up the big bro and we did go to the park and then McDonald’s for a quick bite to eat. It was wonderful. I am grateful beyond words. It could have so not gone my way and a little sunshine made it perfect.

And, how was your last trip to the dentist?

Mirth & Merriment….
(I was asked to explain my M&M statement above. It was something that was written to me in my Senior yearbook by my fav teacher, Mrs. J. She said that I brought her much Mirth and Merriment. Probably one of the nicest things I ever heard…so there ya go!)