Slow Ride

I seem to always say the wrong thing at the right time. Huh? That means that something off-color, racy, dirty or flirtatious always comes out of my mouth. See! There I go again! One example from just a few minutes ago goes something like this. My IT manager is here and has yet to repair the printer on my desk that HE BROKE three weeks ago. So, being witty-me I said “When you have a few minutes to blow…come down!” What I meant was when you have some extra time, come over to my office and see what you can do to help me print better. That is what it sounded like, right? Well, wouldn’t ya know that the whole place erupted in laughter and redness…especially Mr. IT (who bro…by the way is a USC Grad!)? Oh well. I gotta be me!

Yesterday was the girls’ first dental appointment. First of all, let me explain to you my previous dental experience. I hate the dentist. Ok. I take that back…hate is the wrong word. I would rather roll around in someone else’s feces while eating rotten eggs and hearing a book on tape read by George W Bush. Too vivid? As a child, I always had teeth-issues. When one dentist decided that all I had to be given in order to remove a “few” teeth was “laughing gas”, I knew something was wrong with this sadistic bastards. But when I cried out in pain, nobody believed me. Whatever. Anyway, after braces and retainers and root canals and pulled teeth and 4 impacted wisdom teeth, I know a thing or two. Even making a dental appt. for someone else makes me sweat like a virgin on prom night.

Matthew’s first visit to a dentist was horrific. They found that because his teeth were so close together that all of his cavities were between his teeth. Ok, what does that mean to a 4 year old? Well, it means they cap the front 4 teeth after filing the rotten ones down, pull out 1 and put in a spacer an fill the other cavities. This was my baby! I was told all of this while I was pregnant with the girls and because I was gestational I would not be allowed in with him because of the gas. Screw that! I made them wait until the girls were about 3 months old.

As we walk into the office, there are video games and such to keep his mind off of things. His dad was there with me for the whole blissful experience. YEAH, RIGHT! They take my first born and strap him down; One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest strapped down and the only part of his body that I could touch were his feet. They gave him shots of Novocain. The entire time, my son is trying to speak while screaming a sound that I would never like to hear again, thank you so much. “Doctor, can we do this tomorrow?” “I promise”, “Please stop hurting me” “AHHHHHH….I want my MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!”. I struggled to hold it together. I ripped off his Batman tennies and stroked his foot, trying to convince him and myself that it would be over soon. It was some of the worst moments of my life. Afterwards, nothing could get me to him faster. I held him while he sobbed and became angry that I had allowed someone to hurt him like this. I told the dentist, as I had on our initial visit that I don’t do Novocain well. In fact, I usually take a couple extra doses to fully get numb. The dentist kind of shrugged it off telling me that if he had been in real pain, they would have noticed. What part of crying and begging for help did they not see? I could tell he was hurting! What are they Nazi’s? Needleless to say and without any input of my dental past, my son hates to think about the dentist. When he found out that his baby sisters were going, he was trying to comfort them. I told him that they weren’t going in for a visit where they were going to need a shot or any work done and he did not believe me for a minute. But, he was happy that I had reassured him that he was NOT going with them.

So, cut to yesterday. I picked up my angels from school. They were thrilled to see me there so early and I was happy to know that after our office visit, we would have the rest of a great, sunny day to spend at the park. We got to the dentist and they were ancy, only because the only TV that was on was about porcelain veneers and there were NO toys. NO TOYS! Ok. So after just a 10 minute wait, most of which I spent telling them to sit still and taking them to the bathroom, the dental assistant came to get us. I got chills as I saw the chair that they wanted my Bean to sit in. She gladly climbed her big booty into the seat and I thought to myself “Please don’t let one of them fall apart while the other is still waiting for her turn!” That would be wretched. But, there she sat….wide mouthed. Talking to the dentist….laughing…meowing (her specialty)…rinsing and spitting. Perfect Angel with….hold on, wait for it….perfect teeth. No cavities! Can I get an Amen? I was so proud. When the assistant cleaned her teeth, she even helped by holding the “spit sucker”. I could not have been happier.

Then I looked down and realized that I still had 1 chance at a sucky day…it was now Aliza’s turn. Same thing. Perfectly pleasant and perfect teeth, with the exception of our infamous thumb sucker pushing her top two teeth out of line. Oh well. Even if she is Bugs Bunny, she is still all mine! They got new Dora and Spongebob toothbrushes and stickers.

So, what turned out to be a day that I would dread turned out to be a great day. We picked up the big bro and we did go to the park and then McDonald’s for a quick bite to eat. It was wonderful. I am grateful beyond words. It could have so not gone my way and a little sunshine made it perfect.

And, how was your last trip to the dentist?

Mirth & Merriment….
(I was asked to explain my M&M statement above. It was something that was written to me in my Senior yearbook by my fav teacher, Mrs. J. She said that I brought her much Mirth and Merriment. Probably one of the nicest things I ever heard…so there ya go!)