All Of My Love?

When I started blogging I was apprehensive about it. Yes, even the girl who likes to share everything about anything was worried about putting it all out there. And not for the reasons you might think. I was honestly afraid of how people would view me. Not that I am embarrassed about the enormous size of my breasts or my lack of sex drive, but because I do not want pity or for people to lose respect for me just simply because of decisions that I have made. There are also blogs that I have posted that did not fully amplify the reality of my life, which I am going to try and do today. This might just be the hardest blog I have ever written, but after a sleepless night filled with anger, worry and regret it is something that I must do to clear my head for better days ahead. Taking a note from my dearly beloved Rotten Correspondent, I too may remove the blog once it is read by certain people in order to not receive frantic phone calls from my mother.

It is now 8:26 a.m. on Wednesday, March 5, 2008 and I do not love my husband. I am pretty sure that I loved him yesterday and that I might find it in my heart to love him tomorrow, but as for today, it just isn’t going to be easy. I will admit that I am not the easiest chick to live with and be committed to, but it has gotten to the point where I feel nervous about what is going on in his head and I don’t like feeling like this. Here is where my story begins.

My husband is an alcoholic. When I say that, I mean it. He drinks as much beer as possible in one sitting and he does this as often as work will allow. He admits that he is an alcoholic and laughs it off as if it is some sort of Boy Scout Badge that he is proud of. I have been an enabler of this addiction since we met. I have gone to get him beer when I knew he had had enough. I have noticed our last $20 missing from my wallet and a fridge full of Bud Light and said nothing. I do not do this because I like him better when he is drunk. Far from it! I do it because I do not like the idea of making him unhappy. That is my fault and I take the blame for it. It has had it’s ups and downs. In the beginning, he was sort of a happy, flirtatious drunk. We would fall into bed and just enjoy each other.

Then came the angry drunk. On that warm July 4th night when he chocked me in front of my young son, I knew things would have to change or I would die. I survived that night for a reason. Unknown to me, I was just 3 weeks pregnant with our twin girls. Yes, they both survived along with me after being thrown around the room. Any torture that he could do to me, I thought, would be fine as long as my son was safe. Little did I know that our beautiful twins were also in danger. I thank God everyday for those girls….for more than a few reasons.

After him sobering up, attending a few AA meetings and promising that it was just a one-night thing that happened, I moved back into our house after being with Matthew at my mom’s. The next week, I was having severe migraines and went to my doctor to find out that we were expecting. Some joy in the face of what was a horrible storm. My first thought that night was being a single mom. Could I do it alone? Not financially, that was for sure. I loved him so very much and I wanted things to be different. Different is not always better.

When I was pregnant with the girls and for the first two years after, our own lives went through some heavy changes. We moved into a new place. Anthony lost a job and was out of work for awhile until he found more work. I left my job for one with night hours so that I could be home with the babies during the day while he worked. He lost his job again. We moved again. I lost my job and then returned home to where I truly felt like I belonged and was welcomed back with open arms. He started to work a crappy night job and then got laid off. We were in financial trouble. We were going to be evicted from our home and we had no money and nowhere to go. We made the decision to split up and he took the girls to his grandmothers and I took Matthew to my mom’s. His grandmother cannot stand Matthew or any little boys for that matter and Matthew was registered at my former elementary school around the corner from my mom’s house. Being without the girls was horrible. Then, he got a job. A real job. Lots of hours and it kept him home with the girls during the day and working at night. No time for drinking. That was great! It kept him occupied.

Except on the weekends when he would drop off the girls to me and drink all weekend. I would get text messages at 3 am from him asking me who at work I was cheating on him with. I would get several, some which I would answer, but most of them I ignored. I have not ever cheated on my husband, let alone with a co-worker. He does not believe me. Yes, I have lied to him in the past, but never about cheating. There have been flirtatious emails and such, but I would never think of ruining a marriage that I was fighting so hard to keep solid. Ridiculous! After 4 months of being separated, I found an apartment and moved in…with him. It was actually nice to be with him. He was still working nights and I had some peace in my life.

My husband has issues about cheating. He has issues about deception. He has issues…period! He has accused me of some hideous things that I really don’t want to express..even in a blog! However, last night really stopped me in my tracks.

He did not work last night or the night before. He had been moved to days but was only getting 10 hours a week or so. Great! No more money! No food in the fridge! I owe everyone and have no money to pay anyone! My only saving grace there is the rent and bills are paid. The night before he had gone over to his friends house and I got several text’s that were a little incoherent, so I ignored him. Last night, he was home and could not be ignored. It started at 3:00 am when he came into the bedroom with Matthew asleep on the bed next to me and the girls who had fallen asleep on the floor next to my bed after story time. He crawled in next to me and demanded sex. Well, I must tell you that I was not in the mood and tired so I said no. Then it started. Who else are you sleeping with? Does this phone number sound familiar? I know the truth. Just tell me. After about an hour of this, he decided to tell me that, without telling too much here, someone had told him that SHE had proof that I had slept with someone else and that he had that proof. Ok. Whatever. What he kept saying was “just tell me the truth”. Well, I was telling the truth…it just wasn’t what he wanted to hear. I vehemently denied this and all rumors of infidelity. It is such a bizarre thought to me why spouses cheat? Why not stay single?

(Side note- I was the “other woman” in the past and I still don’t respect married men who sleep with other women, and vice versa ladies!)

At 4:30 a.m., I finally told him to get out of my room and leave me alone. He told me that he would. In fact, he told me that he would leave…period. That he had someone else and he would leave me for her...the whore stripper that he is friends with. At that point, I didn’t care. If he did have someone on the side, I was not concerned. My main concern is myself and my kids and although he has gotten violent in the past, I do truly believe that he would never harm his children. I cannot even think it. My alarm went off less than 45 minutes later and I snoozed it. I forgot about the shower, the hair, the face. I was pretty sure my day was crap so I didn't really care how I looked. He was passed out on the living room floor when I left.

The thought of going home to him tonight makes me want to cry. I did not get married to cry. I did not get married to be verbally and mentally mistreated. I did not get married to hate my husband. I got married for better or worse, right? They said that at the wedding. I knew what kind of man he was when I got married and I still took that leap of faith. Faith that he would somehow become a better person and that I would, too. That just doesn’t happen. In fact, he has gotten worse and I am almost certain that it will continue to spiral. I have thought of interventions. However, he has so many friends and his parents who are alcoholics that it would not do me any good. Nobody would help me. It would also cost him his job to go into a rehab center and cost us money that we don’t have. I have thought of leaving him. However, I would not be able to afford my apt on my own and there is absolutely nowhere else to turn. I am at the cul-de-sac of marriage and I either park or turn around and keep going. My heart tells me not to give up, but how can I continue? How? Why can't I have what they have on the E-Harmony commercials? Is that real? Do people really get that happy over love? I did...but that was a lifetime ago.

Please note that my husband is a wonderful sober person. He is cute and funny. Not so much romantic, but ….who needs flowers (me!) I wish that he would stay that person all the time and then my blog might be a bit more boring, but I would be happy. But would I? Would I be able to forget the hateful words? I know I have never forgotten the bruises and hurt of that Independence Day. I have never forgiven myself for allowing Matthew to see me being hurt and the drama that he has had to endure. I will have that for the rest of my life. What I don’t want is for my children to be subjected to anything else that will harm them. That is my dilemma. Just one of them. How do I fight this? How do I fight a monster that I love? How do I go on living with a man that I can’t live with? How?

Now that I am crying and trying to work, I will stop. I have much to do and much to think of throughout my day. My joy is that at the end of my work day, I will see three smiling faces who think I am beautiful and perfect and love me with all their little hearts. That is what I wake up for. They are who I will fight for. They are who I would go to the ends of the earth for. They are the one’s who I must sacrifice everything for. My babies.

Mirth and Merriment doesn’t seem fitting at the moment. Later!