Sometimes Love Just Aint Enough...

I am tired of being emotional. I used to laugh about it, but now it just isn’t funny.
For the second morning in a row, I have come in and before my first very large cup of coffee have gotten heartbreaking news. Now, before I go on, I realize that this is going to sound very selfish of me to sound so down in the dumps while others around me are truly suffering, but that is the kind of person I am. I feel your pain really does describe me.

My beloved older brother and his wife have decided to end their 20 year marriage. Not that I was completely shocked, as they have been having problems for awhile now, but still it feels like things that I once thought were a “sure thing” are not. In fact, not even sure that “sure things” exist at this point. Part of me wants to run to my brother and hug him and tell him that I can understand that things change. That your heart that once beat only for one woman, beats with a passion that doesn’t include her. I do not think that there was any Camilla in this marriage, except stress, finances, careers and drive. The other part of me wants to get my sister in law on the phone and cry. Just cry. She and I have become such wonderful friends that the thought of losing her scares the shit out of me. She and I have laughed and cried. We watched them pronounce Princess Diana dead together. We watched Agassi win Wimbledon together. I held her hand in a bathroom in Kaiser on Sunset as she was in labor with her first child. I have been there. We laughed over breast pumps and cried over miscarriage. I do not doubt, not for a second, that she will find herself right side up after all is said and done. She is amazing. She is also the mother to 3 of the most fantastic boys I know. Thank God that my son isn’t reading this, huh? Speaking of that, a lot of what I have learned about being a Mom, I got from Julie. If you ever want to spend time reading some exceptional prose, check out her blog at Rotten Correspondent.

Well, that was yesterday and all day I felt sort of out of sorts. I was emotional and looking for some joy. When I got here this morning, I find in my Inbox an email from a great friend of mine. She got married late last year and found out that she was pregnant. I was so happy. What a great Mom she would make!!!! Well the news this morning was devastating and spoke of the loss that she and her husband have now experienced. It is over. The joy that they wanted so desperately to share for 9 months, ended far too soon. I know that we are supposed to say something comforting and that it is God’s plan for them, but what? Fuck that. Why can’t 2 people who love each other passionately and completely bring a child into the world? Why, when there are women putting babies into trash dumpsters, would God take a child away from parents that would worship the bibs that it spit up on? I do not understand. I have never understood the plan. I know that even though there was no child held in your arms, something does happen to you when you find out you are having a baby that cannot be erased just because Doctor’s have told you that it is over. Just because a child no longer grows inside you, there is still that sense of what was once there.

So, I won’t even start with my own life. It all seems quite irrelevant at the moment.

M&M