Candy, Candy, Candy

Happy Halloween To All!

If for Religious or Dietary reasons you do not celebrate Halloween...well u have a good day, too!

I am brave. I was told so just this morning. So, here is as brave as I get...

Mirth & Merriment...and M&M's....Trick or Treat!

Father Of Mine....

I am a child of divorce. In fact, growing up, there was only 1 friend that I had whose actual birth parents were still together. Now, I have several adult friends who still have both parents living in the same house, happily or not, but that seems like a rarity in today’s world. In today’s world where 10 month marriages are everywhere and 30 year marriages are hard to find.

Needless to say, I am a child of divorce. Do I remember my parents ever living in the same house? No. Do I remember how “messy” the whole situation got? No. Do I wish I had those memories? HELL NO! Divorce is a horrible end to a happy beginning. Marriage is not a fairy tale and anyone who goes into it thinking that should change their dosage. People do not get married to wind up crying wondering how they are going to get through this. They just don’t.

They also don’t get married to have children who wind up crying wondering how they are going to get through this. My children, and if you have them I know you feel the same way, are the world to me. They are my everything and if everyone else on the planet was wiped away by a tsunami-earthquake-tornado and the only people left on earth were my children; my life would be able to go on. Yes, I would miss you all, but I would be O.K. So, I do not see why children are always brought into the messiness of separation. It is not their fault that they were born into a marriage that would dissolve. There should be some kind of Emotion-Fairy that says that a divorce should not hurt children. I would vote for any politician who could come up with that. Hell, I wish I could come up with that. I wish that before children are born that they have something injected into them that causes them not to experience that kind of pain or guilt. Wow…can’t you just hear Louis Armstrong singing now….What a Wonderful World!

Go ahead and ask me what my earliest childhood memory is. Go ahead! It isn’t of the divorce, but of being in a crib and my big sister coming in to the room. My older sister is sort of a drama queen…stop laughing, Julie….so what I remember is her coming towards me and yelling at me “You are the reason my Daddy is leaving. You cry too much. You are making him go away!”. Now, being that I was a toddler at the time, I don’t recall being upset and if I was, maybe it was just gas, I don’t know. What I do know is that my relationship with my father suffered tremendously without him being around. I know very little about him and what I do know I am not sure if I made it all up to amuse myself or what. He got remarried and got a new daughter that was with him 24/7 and I almost felt like that took the place of me. In fact after my sister who had promised to go and live with him denied him that, he still did not ask me to. After HS graduation (Class of 88, baby!) I moved to Texas to be closer to him. We went to Graceland. We had some real Father/Daughter bonding time and then, he moved to Germany. YUP…you heard me….freakin’ Germany! At the time I thought that he hated me so much that moving anywhere in the US wasn’t good enough; he had to cross oceans….learn a new language…all to get away from me. I know better now. It was work; just work…that’s all. I stayed in Texas, rebelling and trying to get attention by doing things that just aren’t me. I did things that hurt my stepmother and sister and I am truly sorry for all of that. I am older now…much older and I look back and realize that had I been in her shoes, I would have done the same thing…kick my ass OUT!

Since then, my father and I still don’t have much of a relationship. I have never really told him how I feel about the lack of love that I feel is the only thing we share, besides genes. I know that one day he will be gone and I won’t have time to tell him that it hurts me that I don’t feel like I have made him proud. That I don’t feel like I matter to him. I know that I do, but people like to hear it once in awhile.

I am a child of divorce. No matter what happens to me in life, that will remain the same. My mother remarried and I got one-helluva-DADDY, but I was still wounded by the events that took place early in my childhood. Do I think about it? Everyday. With children of my own and the prospect of divorce looming each day, I think about what it would do to them to be torn apart. To feel like one of us didn’t want them and the other was too in love with them to let them go. To my children and all children I say it is not your fault. You are loved. Families exist between two to a million people. I can love you and Daddy can love you just as much as we do right now, even if the band of gold doesn’t exist anymore. You are loved. You are the most precious thing that came from a love that Daddy and I shared, but that love is gone and it is now passed on to you and I. That will never change. You are loved. There will not be a day ahead that I do not wish you only sunshine and happiness. And when there are clouds and misery, I will be there, too. I will pick you up and hold you tight and make sure you know…you are loved.

Enough Said….
Mirth & Merriment

Fat Bottomed Girls!

Julie…you are gonna love this one.

I went costume shopping this weekend. When I say costume, I meant for myself, not the kiddos and when I say weekend I mean ALL WEEKEND. I went to 14 stores, I counted because I’m like that. While having a 31 flavors lunch with my son, I asked the college dude at the counter where any good costume places were. He mentioned one down the street, so I decided to try it.

SIDE NOTE- I am not a size 14…nor do I believe that a size 14 is a “plus size”. I am usually a size 18, depending on the cut or fabric or what I ate for breakfast!!!

Back to my story. Matthew was with me and he was almost as frustrated as I was that everywhere we went, the only costumes in my size were nuns or something so completely unattractive that I thought they were actually joking that people would spend money on them. I am not the “pirate wench” sort of girl and to dress as a nun would be hilarious, but just not me. I wanted to actually dress as something not big-fat-girl-esque but something that wouldn’t cover me all up, either.

So we walk into the store called the HALLOWEEN HEADQUARTERS! This is the third one we have been in today. Matthew is excited because there is blood and gore and Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhies and the SAW mask there and as I am just trying to control him, he looks down an aisle of costumes and shouts out “Look, Mom…they have a bunch of Plus Size stuff!” Right. Loud…as in, louder than the tv, loud. Thanks, Matt. But he was right. It was like chunky gal heaven. There were 10 or 12 different costumes, including the Nun and Pirate Wench, but there was a variety. After picking out one, trying it on and taking it to the counter, I told the woman that I was so excited that she had a great selection in my size. She told me that she usually orders a bunch in the plus sizes just because, and these are her words, she likes to live in the “real world”. THANK GOD!

So, after 2 full days of looking, tired feet and a child who will not stop talking about all the stuff he wants for next year, I will be a very sexy Dorothy, from the Wizard of Oz. There is no place like Home. There is no time like Halloween.

Mirth & Merriment..and Ghost and Goblins.

This One's For The Girls....

I received a comment from a friend of mine who mentioned that she doesn't know how I do it all? Being a full-time mom, full-time wife while working full-time. Well, I thought long and hard about it yesterday after a day that would rival George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead, except that nobody died. Thank God. I finally have the answer…I don’t do it all. Secretly, every woman who has children might look like she is doing it all, but inside there is a daily meltdown…maybe even hourly. Nobody can do it all. I used to adore the famous and infamous who would appear in public with a perfect coif and flawless skin with their perfectly well-behaved children in tow. I have one word…or maybe two, it’s all bullshit. They have nannies, personal trainers, hair and makeup, estheticians, chefs and chauffeurs. They also have someone who manages their millions so that they never have to balance a checkbook. They never struggle to pay the light bill or worry about not having enough money for diapers. They look that way because they get their 8 hours a night and wake up and don’t worry about anything. What would they worry about? Besides Britney Spears, they don’t have any problems and honestly, all of hers were brought about by Ms. Spears herself.

So, let me run down my day. My alarm goes off at 6:00 a.m., although I don’t wash my hair everyday (I’m a celebrity like that!) so I can sleep in until 6:30 a.m. When I finally roll over and it is quarter til 7:00 – that is when my stress begins. Please note that I usually have showered by this time. I have 45 minutes to do hair and makeup (PS- there is no MAC at my house) and find an outfit that does not make me look hideous, get Matthew up and dressed and be out of the house. From 6:30 – 6:50 it is getting out the flat iron, only to find that my hair is a wreck and will most likely have to be worn up today. Makeup time finds me struggling to find the only mascara that I like and it is MIA. I have several versions of eyelash color, but this is the ONE that I need. Anyway, the chase is on and I lose every time. I put on the other mascara that clumps my lashes together and roll my eyes for the second time in 30 minutes. Concealer, eyebrows, cheek color and I’m done. Brush my teeth and it is now 7 am. First attempt is made to wake up the grumpy one as I head to pick out undergarments for the day.

At 7:10 the second attempt is made to which I usually hear “GO AWAY” or “WHAT?”. This from a young man that I went through 18 hours to bring into this world? I roll my eyes again. I head to the closet. I look through and see absolutely nothing that anyone who “choose” to wear. My black pants are too tight…the other pair are too faded and the other one’s, I don’t really have any tops to match. I pull whatever is clean and the least-wrinkled out and put it on. It is not 7:15 and I hear the bathroom door slam!!! That would be my son cursing me as he urinates. Ahh…Motherhood. I look at myself in the mirror and realize that, as the quote goes, my clothes are so tight it looks like “two pigs fighting under a blanket”. I rip off the clothes (only good if there is soft music and someone you want to be with next to you!) and search again. I choose the ones that are too tight and a big shirt to hide the muffin top! At 7:20, my beloved son comes in to the room to tell me some useless fact like “Yesterday, my friend Michael wrote with a red pencil…it was funny!” WHAT? OK! MOVE IT. I yell and tell him that he has 10 minutes to be dressed, with teeth sparkling and backpack in hand. He stomps off. I roll my eyes, again! At 7:28 he claims that he cannot find one shoe. They were both there last night and he blames it on the babies. OK. Whatever. But, does he look for it? No, he sits on the couch staring off into space. I find it under a pillow on the floor, which did I mention is in plain sight? At 7:30 we are out the door, but it isn’t that easy. Matt turns to me and says “I think I’m supposed to wear a Silly Hat today!” Like this could not have been something he could have shared during our entire night together? Ok. We run back into the house and of course, he has to try on 4 or 5 hats and then chooses the one I least like, but the first one he tried on. Ok. To the car…again. He is dropped off at 7:36 and I am on my way to a half-hour drive to work. I get here at 8:06 and am met outside by one of our staff complaining about the site. Ok, I will deal with it. I am at work until 5:06, trying to make up for coming in late and skipping lunch.

It takes me 35 minutes to get home and at 5: 42, I am greeted by the little people I love so much. There would be hours of hugs and kisses except that I see the sink is full of dishes that I didn’t have the strength to do last night, the trash is overflowing and there is spit out apple everywhere. Did I give birth to the Exorcist? So, there is no hug marathon, but me huffing and puffing that I don’t have time to spend with them because there is too much to do. I look in the bathroom…let’s not discuss what I find there! I take out the trash, do the dishes, clean up as best I can and then collapse on to the couch. The girls run to me for attention. Approximately 10 minutes later, I realize that I still have to make dinner. I get up again, scramble for something that resembles an entrée, vegetable and side dish. Ok. Got it. No time to sit down now…it is now 6:45 p.m.

At this point, I am standing in front of the stove, trying to keep the girls away from me, when Matthew comes in. This is not a good sign. He mentions that he wanted to wait to do his homework so that I could help him. Wonderful! What a joy! It is about 7:30 by the time he STARTS his homework. We do 2 pages of Math, 4 pages of vocabulary and now the only thing left is his 20 minutes of reading and book report. This is the worst part, because even though his love of reading is something I am adore, he searches through books, refusing each one for one reason or another. When he finally reads and finishes that it is almost 8:30. During the search, I have fed the girls and him, although he hasn’t eaten anything, and I am eating while doing more chores. No sitting!

At 9:00, it is time to sit. Matthew is told to take a shower, which he agrees to. The girls beg for a bath so here we go. Matthew’s shower is done in 10 minutes and the girls remain in the tub until 9:35. Then there is my son who got dressed for bed without drying off so his clothes are wet, too. Lovely. I get both girls ready for bed, hair brushed and deal with the voice around me chanting “dessert…dessert….is there dessert? What’s for dessert? I sure wish I had some dessert? How do you spell dessert?” NO DESSERT! comes screeching out of my mouth.

It is now 9:45 and I am ready to sit down and watch something other than Spongebob or Scooby Doo. I get 2 bottles ready while still listening to Matthew complain about being hungry although he ate only 3 bites of dinner. He has an apple for a snack. At 10:00, Matthew has passed out and the girls are still awake…of course! It would be too perfect if they all fell asleep at the same time. By 11:00, the girls are asleep and I am now wide awake watching “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” or some other stupid show on E! By Midnight, I fall asleep, but it is not over…

At 1:30, I get up to pee. I come back and fall back to sleep only to be woken up at 2:15 by Aliza who has peed in her big girl panties and needs to be changed. At 2:30, we both get back to bed. I wake up and stare at the ceiling. I look to the clock and it is 4:30…not time to wake up yet. I toss and turn until 6:00 and then it starts all over again.

Please do not take this the wrong way. Life with my children is paradise compared to not having them. I would not trade one moment with them for a minute of sleep. I treasure each of them for the miracle they are. With that said….you ask How do I do it all? Zoloft!

Mirth & Merriment….and Motherhood!

Monster Mash

Well, it is Thursday so it is time for your Daily Dose. Today, since I am last-minute costume shopping this weekend, I would like to reminisce. Give me your top 3 Halloween Costumes that you have worn...either as an adult or a kid. I know some of you out there wore those horrible masks...spill it!

Numero Uno - Imagine being my Mom for just a moment. You are managing a house with 3 kids and job and a husband who is working and going to school. Late one night you hear your youngest daughter come up and look up at you with big, blue eyes and she says “what am I going as for Halloween?” She looked at me like I was asking her this in July…but it was October 30th. OMG! WTF! How could she forget Halloween? So, she scrambled her already-fried up brain and told me to grab my red turtleneck and overalls. When I returned with my wrinkled up clothes that had been wadded up and shoved somewhere, I just knew she was going to yell that they were dirty…instead, she took my clothes and shoved them into our fireplace. She got them good and dirty. I wore those to school, along with some smudges on my face and I actually carried the broom from our fireplace and went as a CHIMNEY SWEEP! It was awesome.

And here’s number two…not literally! Any of you readers who know my mom know that she is creative beyond any Martha Stewart. She can take a brown paper bag and make it into the most extravagant lantern. This year’s Halloween was no exception. Any of you guys remember “Clash of the Titans”? Well, I loved that movie. So that year, I went as ANDROMEDA. Yes, I know. It was the 80’s…give me a break! My mom sewed her fingers off making me a gown and flowing robe. I wore what I like to call my “JESUS” shoes, as tattered as they are and a lovely crystal necklace my mom had saved from the 70’s in my hair. I was lovely, to say the least. Nobody knew who I was, but who cares. I loved it!

Last, but not least…cut to just a few years back. Here at work, my very best bud Claudia and I would always ask my mom to make us something to wear. Saves us the embarrassment of having to “try on” and audition the tight fitting crap that they sell. Somebody needs to tell the Costume shops that a Plus size costume is not a 12-14! Anyway, we decided to live out a childhood dream and we were the PINK LADIES. What a job mom did. We had black full poodle skirts, with pink poodles and petticoats underneath. We bought shirts and I wore cat-eye glasses and a ponytail. We looked fantastic…eat your heart out Sandy!

Honorable Mention would go to Go-Go dancer and Kelly Osborne. You would have to see the pictures!!!

Mirth & Merriment....trick or treat?

Let It Be

Hi everyone. I know, I know…it’s been quite awhile since I was able to pick myself up, crack my knuckles and start writing. Truly, I have been busy. HONEST! If you could see my right now, I am holding up the Boy Scout salute. Anyway, here I am…take it or leave it. I cannot make the promise that I will write tomorrow or the next day, but for today I am here…just me…naked for the whole world to see…well, not really naked…but use your imagination.

Ok, people so since I wrote last there have been some developments and issues. I cannot put them in chronological order, but to the best of my almost-37 year old memory…here goes.

My Marriage. Ahh..Listen to the sound of that. Yes, I am still married. Still very much in love with my husband and things seem to be moving in the right direction. By this time next month, when I am 37, we will be with our children in a place of our own. It may be small and cheap, but it will be where I can come home to my entire family and know that we are all together. That is what I crave the most. Having my girls away from me for days at a time is ridiculous torture, to the say the least. For the past 2 weeks, I have seen them every day and that is as it should be. My husband has stopped drinking. I know, it is almost unfathomable…but true. I cannot be more proud…I am his biggest fan in this aspect of his life. He has grown and realized that there is nothing more important that the life that we have built together. I love him more everyday for making one of the best and crucial decisions in life.

My Children. Matthew is having issues. To those of you about to read this, I salute you, but please reserve your laughter because this is a serious matter. When I was at the Dr…I will explain in the next paragraph…we got the call from his teacher sending her condolences to us. When we were dumbstruck as to what she was talking about she stated that my son, my moon, my stars…told her that he could not do homework because his little sister had died from lung cancer on Saturday. I cried. I cried and then I got angry. I have lied in my lifetime and I have made up some doozies, but this really bothers me. Why did it have to be the death of one of my children? My God! I was furious. How dare this person, who I went down into the valley of the shadows in the attempt to bring him in this world, say something that is so repulsive! Having two sisters come into his life was rough. We could all see it. I guess we all know now that his need for extra attention is taking a turn in a direction that I do not want to discuss. I will, because I do not think his father thinks this is an option, be taking him to a counselor tomorrow to discuss his issues. Please keep him in your thoughts as I am certain that this is not an easy time for him, either. His life has been turned upside down and the absence of his father has obviously affected him more than we thought it might. I do feel like a failure as a Mom because I did not see it coming. I did not notice that my son was feeling lonely and ignored. I am sorry, Jakers! Things will get better. I can see the light at the end of this crazy tunnel…see it? As for the girls, Bean has been in and out of the dr about 8 times in a month. UTI's and Fevers and constipation and thank GOD it is all under control! Let's keep our fingers crossed....

My Health. HA! Health is an understatement when discussing how I am feeling. I went into my beloved doctor with a list of ailments and I am pretty sure she almost didn’t believe me. CONTENT ADVISORY. The following statements may not be suitable for young eyes or those of men who get grossed out easily. After having a supracervical, laparoscopic hysterectomy, I was still bleeding once a month, sometimes twice. Right! That’s right! No uterus, but a period..of sorts. Well, come to find out that because they left my cervix behind (poor cervix!) that is what is causing the problem. There are polyps on my cervix and they are running tests to determine what we can do stop this. One down. Next, I mentioned my weight issue. I have ALWAYS had a weight problem, even in High School when I was a cute, perky size 9, I thought I was huge. Since the girls were born, the weight just keeps coming and coming. I cannot do anything to lose weight. She was bothered by this, 4 vials of blood later, she is testing me for everything under the sun. Two down. Migraine headaches…well, I take medication for headaches everyday and much to my surprise my dr. told me, are you ready for this, which is not normal. SHUT UP. I am doing something that is not normal? WHAT? Anyway, she gave me a prescription for a medication that she said, and I am quoting “has this horrible side effect of weight loss!” DING! Loving my doctor right about ….. NOW! Three down. After explaining 4 other issues that I will not bore you with, I walked out with 5 prescriptions and a cotton ball taped to the back of my hand. I will have some results and we can determine how to cure my fatheadacheditchytirednosexdrivewhatsoever symptoms.

So, are we having fun yet? Thanks for listening and thanks for the many requests to write more. I promise to do what I can to take a moment everyday and tell you all the trials and tribulations of just being….ME

Mirth & Merriment…..