Father Of Mine....
I am a child of divorce. In fact, growing up, there was only 1 friend that I had whose actual birth parents were still together. Now, I have several adult friends who still have both parents living in the same house, happily or not, but that seems like a rarity in today’s world. In today’s world where 10 month marriages are everywhere and 30 year marriages are hard to find.
Needless to say, I am a child of divorce. Do I remember my parents ever living in the same house? No. Do I remember how “messy” the whole situation got? No. Do I wish I had those memories? HELL NO! Divorce is a horrible end to a happy beginning. Marriage is not a fairy tale and anyone who goes into it thinking that should change their dosage. People do not get married to wind up crying wondering how they are going to get through this. They just don’t.
They also don’t get married to have children who wind up crying wondering how they are going to get through this. My children, and if you have them I know you feel the same way, are the world to me. They are my everything and if everyone else on the planet was wiped away by a tsunami-earthquake-tornado and the only people left on earth were my children; my life would be able to go on. Yes, I would miss you all, but I would be O.K. So, I do not see why children are always brought into the messiness of separation. It is not their fault that they were born into a marriage that would dissolve. There should be some kind of Emotion-Fairy that says that a divorce should not hurt children. I would vote for any politician who could come up with that. Hell, I wish I could come up with that. I wish that before children are born that they have something injected into them that causes them not to experience that kind of pain or guilt. Wow…can’t you just hear Louis Armstrong singing now….What a Wonderful World!
Go ahead and ask me what my earliest childhood memory is. Go ahead! It isn’t of the divorce, but of being in a crib and my big sister coming in to the room. My older sister is sort of a drama queen…stop laughing, Julie….so what I remember is her coming towards me and yelling at me “You are the reason my Daddy is leaving. You cry too much. You are making him go away!”. Now, being that I was a toddler at the time, I don’t recall being upset and if I was, maybe it was just gas, I don’t know. What I do know is that my relationship with my father suffered tremendously without him being around. I know very little about him and what I do know I am not sure if I made it all up to amuse myself or what. He got remarried and got a new daughter that was with him 24/7 and I almost felt like that took the place of me. In fact after my sister who had promised to go and live with him denied him that, he still did not ask me to. After HS graduation (Class of 88, baby!) I moved to Texas to be closer to him. We went to Graceland. We had some real Father/Daughter bonding time and then, he moved to Germany. YUP…you heard me….freakin’ Germany! At the time I thought that he hated me so much that moving anywhere in the US wasn’t good enough; he had to cross oceans….learn a new language…all to get away from me. I know better now. It was work; just work…that’s all. I stayed in Texas, rebelling and trying to get attention by doing things that just aren’t me. I did things that hurt my stepmother and sister and I am truly sorry for all of that. I am older now…much older and I look back and realize that had I been in her shoes, I would have done the same thing…kick my ass OUT!
Since then, my father and I still don’t have much of a relationship. I have never really told him how I feel about the lack of love that I feel is the only thing we share, besides genes. I know that one day he will be gone and I won’t have time to tell him that it hurts me that I don’t feel like I have made him proud. That I don’t feel like I matter to him. I know that I do, but people like to hear it once in awhile.
I am a child of divorce. No matter what happens to me in life, that will remain the same. My mother remarried and I got one-helluva-DADDY, but I was still wounded by the events that took place early in my childhood. Do I think about it? Everyday. With children of my own and the prospect of divorce looming each day, I think about what it would do to them to be torn apart. To feel like one of us didn’t want them and the other was too in love with them to let them go. To my children and all children I say it is not your fault. You are loved. Families exist between two to a million people. I can love you and Daddy can love you just as much as we do right now, even if the band of gold doesn’t exist anymore. You are loved. You are the most precious thing that came from a love that Daddy and I shared, but that love is gone and it is now passed on to you and I. That will never change. You are loved. There will not be a day ahead that I do not wish you only sunshine and happiness. And when there are clouds and misery, I will be there, too. I will pick you up and hold you tight and make sure you know…you are loved.
Enough Said….
Mirth & Merriment
1 comment:
Leigh, Kim told me about your blog about your father and I read it with tears in my eyes.
Sweetheart, you father dearly loves you, but damn his stubborn heart, he doesn't know how to show it, and certainly not how to say it with meaning.
Want to know something kinda funny?....you father doesn't think you love him. He mentions to Kim when she calls him on Father's Day, or Christmas or whatever, that she is the only one of his kids he's heard from that day. And we all feel bad, because he's up there all alone.....well, maybe not, I don't know. But anyway, you get my meaning.
Looking back on "those days" I guess we both made some mistakes. I've always loved you and wanted the best for you - and can more clearly see now that most of what you did was a cry for your father.
But, in the end, it was me he was mad at for not letting you come back and felt I had been unfair to you,especially since you had just got a job offer. But, he wouldn't hardly talk to me about it and I was so exasperated over the whole thing, traveling all the time for work, and your father and I growing farther and farther apart.
But, he's a good man, so don't give up on him. Make him talk to you and tell him how you feel.
I know from Kim's pain about her lack of a relationship with her dad that causes her pain all the time - but I do believe she has come to terms with it and knows the fault is not her's - and it's his loss -he's never even seen Dylann and hasn't seen Bailee since she was about 4, I think.
He is not a good man - so much for that.
Anyway, I wanted to say these things to you and tell you I have always loved you and miss you and miss knowing your husband and children. And, I miss Kim's children not having the wonderful relationship with Aunt Leigh that I know they would have - you would absolutely love them and they would love you.
Well, I'm getting too emotional to continue. Write me a line sometime.
Love, your wicked step-mother
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